Oliver, The Update :)

In one month, Oliver will be 4 years old.  I have put off writing a current update about my first born simply because he is too complicated and I do not have the time or creative juices left in me to form thoughts that would make sense to anyone else.  Sometimes I wish I just had a Download button on my heart so that I could just transfer what I am feeling into a word document that I could file away somewhere.  Anyways, with his birthday coming up soon I figured I had better get something down now before the crazy days of summer are upon us and I never write anything...which may or may not have happened to my other son whose birthday falls 4 days before Christmas. Ooops!

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What can I say? Oliver is my greatest joy disguised as my greatest trial.  I see so much good, tenderness, thoughtfulness and care that I am not totally worried about the kind of kid he is growing up to be, but he is extremely strong-willed and can just be so rude and occasionally just plain mean...which is the worst.  The other day we were casually talking about what to have for lunch and I suggested macaroni and cheese and he got so angry and yelled at me because he "was just going to say that!!!".  

Seriously?!! I was dumbfounded.  

And this kinda stuff happens all the time.  

His unreasonableness is killing me.

I think that he sees himself as the third adult in the family with equal say as Sean or I.  He loves to be in control and he thrives with routine and order and when things are predictable.  Which is great when things are routine and in order and predictable, but alas, with the number and age of the kids that I have, they rarely are. I spend a lot of time in doubt about the right way to handle the behaviors that I see and by the end of most days, I just feel so worn down and discouraged.  I don't write to complain or to make him look bad, but to document this season so that in another year when I am going through this all over again with Elliott (or not, if I could be so lucky), that I will not be surprised.  Hopefully by then I will have to try hard to remember how hard this season with Oliver was. Really, really, hopefully.

Oliver is almost done with his first year of preschool, or Puppy School, as he likes to call it and we could not be more thankful to be a part of such a wonderful school family. We have had 2 regular parent-teacher conferences since the school year began and his teacher has nothing but positive things to say about him. I love getting the chance to hear about what he is like in the "real world" when I am not around.  Thankfully, he is a happy, kind, bright, rule-following, teacher-pleasing, fun kid that is liked by his classmates.  At one point, I asked her if he was ever rude to her or other children and she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "O-LIV-ER?" as if she wanted to make sure that we were talking about the same kid.  I think I cried with relief that his button-pushing behavior was reserved for Sean and I...not that it is ok, but at least it shows me that he is capable of respectful behavior. One thing that she did point out to me is that he is a total perfectionist.  She says that he will only work on a task or answer a question during circle time that he knows for sure that he will be successful at.  Because of this fear of failure, he is not a natural "problem solver" (because it might take a few tries to get it right) and a lot of his negative behavior is related to not being able to deal with these powerful emotions.  Since she has identified this for me, I have been able to understand his behavior a little more and be better at guiding him to solve his own problems instead of solving them for him (which I wasn't even aware at how often I was doing! No wonder I am always exhausted :)).  We are also working on dealing with the essential, yet brutal reality of "things not going our way" and the practice self-control.  I actually look for simple opportunities to expose him to these feelings so that we can work through them together.  I also highlight when I make a mistake and then model my thoughts and behaviors so that he can see that it is OK to mess up.   

Over the last few months, I have seen progress, slow as it may be, in his ability to use his self-control and sometimes he will begin to react without control and then stop himself right-away.  I always tell him "Good catch, Oliver!" and I make a big deal about how he was able to recognize his feelings and choose to respond appropriately.  He is getting better and better at this and now he proudly announces "Got my catch!", which has now become one of our family sayings.  These little breakthroughs are exciting, hopeful and so satisfying for us and for Oliver.  I know that he wants so badly to be "good" and I just have to help him sort it all out while his little brain is on overdrive trying to figure this whole life thing out.  I guess we will find out in 20 years if what I am doing was right or wrong.  I can only hope that all the people who tell me that this is just a phase are right...Why, oh why does raising a child have to be so difficult?!!

However, I do want to emphasize that when he is not being difficult (which is most of the time, thankfully), Oliver is truly such a joy to be around.  (I just wish I could be better at predicting his moods!) He is a great conversationalist and he loves one-on-one company.  He is thoughtful, always bringing me flowers for my hair, and he enjoys working around the house.  He has finally become a good eater and sleeper (yipeee!) and he is delightful company in the car.  (also, yippee!) He has a great sense of humor and I love to hear his genuine laughter.  He has developed quite a silly side and is discovering the basics of joke telling, which is mostly just saying a bunch of made-up words that sound silly and an accompaniment of silly faces.

He is a real sweetheart and he still loves to be snuggled and held.  He still plays with my hair when he is tired.  He is protective of his siblings and I hear him say kind and encouraging words to them often.  I can see that both of the little kids admire him and he seems to get that his position as Oldest Brother comes with special responsibilities.  He loves playing with blocks, playing puppies with Elliott, doing jigsaw puzzles, jumping onto or off of anything, playing Angry Birds (it's frightening how good he is!) and listening to music on the computer.  He especially likes the song "Some Nights" and has a whole dancing/guitar/singing performance that he does on a daily basis. It is hilarious and very entertaining, but he is naked in the only video I have taken so you will just have to take my word for it.  Or come by for a live performance :)  He still does not like crowds or sporting events of any kind (too great a risk of seeing a mascot or a scoreboard) or lifeguards, but thanks to a few positive party experiences, he is starting to realize how much fun a birthday party can be, which is a good thing, since he is insisting that he would like to have one when he turns 4 (one month from today!!!)  He loves being read to and has recently been volunteering to read to me at bedtime and I am amazed at how well he can tell the story based on memory and the illustrations alone.  I love listening to him and I just sit there in awe of the development of the human brain.  He also has an imaginary friend named Linny, but I think that I will save that for a later post...told you he was complicated! :)

Anyways, here are a few more pictures that capture Oliver at this stage of life- he is such a wild and wonderful combination of traits and abilities...I seriously cannot wait to see what kind of life he turns out to lead.

   Helping himself to just a little snack while he watches one of his favorite shows:
Peep and the Big Wide World. 

Oliver+water= happiness

(as long as there are NO lifeguards, of course!)

Mommy stuck on the couch feeding the baby means that Oliver has gotten many chances to become more independent.  On this day he wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and so, with permission, he got out all the ingredients and made one for himself!! I finished feeding the baby before he was done but I didn't want to interrupt his efforts so I just stood by in awe and snapped some pictures.

Oliver usually comes home from school feeling a little extra grown up.  We all have lunch and hear about his day- who the line leader was and who got to ring the bell...you know, the important things!

Sometimes he feels so confident that he sits like this.
He says that he is "relaxing"....

...but I'm not sure how relaxing this can be.  

Looks cool? Yes.  Relaxing? No :)

Since naps are a sad thing of the past for this grown up ("I am 30 or 90", says Oliver when he pretends to be an adult), we have a quiet time every afternoon.  With the other kids in each of the bedrooms, Oliver's quiet time is in the living room.  On a good day, Oliver will get to play by himself without the threat of Mr. Destructive, aka Elliott, for an hour or so.  These pictures are all from recent quiet times.  Here are some of the things that he likes to do:

Oliver continues to be obsessed with obstacle courses.  He makes courses out of blocks, legos, chairs and couches, laundry baskets, blankets...whatever he can use, he will.

I never get tired of seeing what he comes up with!

Another day, another course :)

Life can be rough.  

But sometimes you get to be the one lucky sibling awake when mommy decides to makes cookies :)

Workbook time!

This is not a couch.  I know it looks like a couch, but it is actually just a pile of building materials used for a fort or a swimming pool.  Sometimes the pillows happen to fall in a way that resemble a place to sit, but you would be mistaken.  It is not a couch. :)

 And of course, there is this little lady to love.
Oliver adores her and the feeling is obviously mutual.

And no matter how grumpy Oliver can be,
he always has time, patience and affection for her. 

 Believe it or not, I am sad to leave 3 behind.
4 just seems so old.
But we will welcome it with open arms (And a lot of prayer!)
And no matter how hard of a day it was or how badly the day ended, I am ALWAYS happy to wake up each morning and tackle a new day with this special guy.  What a treasure he is to me!