Thoughts

It is 5 o'clock on one of the coldest mornings that we have had yet this season.  I should be in bed, sound asleep and cozy-tozy, but for some reason, I have been waking up like this for a few days now and this time, I figured it would get up and try to be productive.....without making a peep.  My kids seem to have some sort of "mom-radar" that alerts them if I am awake or gone from the house, that causes them to wake up within minutes of my activity and immediately, and usually loudly, need me desperately.  This is usually why I just stay in bed awake and wait.  It is rarely worth it to get up :)

But anyways, I thought blogging in the dark at my kitchen table might be safe, so here I sit.

Like most expectant mommies probably do, these last few weeks before the birth of our new baby are filled with so many thoughts, prayers, hopes and questions marks about just HOW is this going to all work out?  This time around, I am more concerned with who is going to watch my children while I am gone at the hospital and how many months of parenting/routine/discipline will go out the window while I am away from my normal post on the home front.  Of course, there will be adjusting for all of us to do and so reestablishing the routines will just happen when the time is right after the dust has settled.  I hope :)

I am also dealing with gestational diabetes this pregnancy and that has been a whole new bag of emotions and responsibilities and fears that I have never had to deal with before.  With both of the boys, I was blessed with wonderful, blissful ends-of-pregnancies where I just sort of glide through those last few weeks and I embrace all the discomforts and look forward to delivery and everything that goes along with it because of what I know lies at the other end of that last mountain (the Labor and Delivery mountain).   And of course, I know what lies on the other side of this mountain that I can now see approaching quickly, but this time, I am actually already on a steep and slippery mountain (called being a good parent to Oliver and Elliott, the fearless and tireless duo, while feeling less-than-awesome) and now before I can descend this mountain, there is in fact ANOTHER mountain ON TOP of this mountain (Diabetes) that appears to go on as far as I can see...an entire mountain range, if you will.

That I have to trek through alone, no matter how many people love me and want to help.

Let me just stop here and say that I am no stranger to mountains in life and I am not claiming that once this baby comes that it will be smooth sailing from here.  No, no, no....there will always be mountains, multiple mountains that we are all struggling to climb/survive.  I am strictly talking about the "pregnancy mountain range" that I am currently working my way through.  

Whew!! That was a lot of analogies- sorry 'bout that!! :)

Anyways, my last few weeks have been full of checking my blood sugars, trying to figure out what and when I can eat, walking briskly after every meal possible (which, although has it's great points, is not as easy as it sounds when you have 2 little people that you have to drag along with you) taking medications that have uncomfortable side effects but don't seem to be working and appointments...lots and lots of appointments.  And last but not least, juggling all the conflicting information and advice that everyone, professionals included, continues to give me, which leaves me feeling so overwhelmed and uncertain of what is it exactly that I should be doing.  All of this also has a strong impact on my delivery options and so instead of just "winging it" and having as natural of a delivery as possible, I have been told that I will be induced on a certain day.  I don't mind being induced if it is medically necessary and best for my baby, but I feel like statistics and protocols are making the decision for me regardless of how my baby is actually doing.  With 2 non-stress tests a week, it should be obvious if the baby is thriving or not and if not, then we can make the best decision about what to do at that time.  Either way, I am expecting more monitoring and restrictions than I am used to in labor and so instead of feeling like I have a general idea about what to expect, I am facing a lot of new circumstances and this makes me feel anxious.

So...that is what I have had swimming around in my head this morning.  The great thing is that ultimately I am not in control, I never have been in control and that God IS in control...and this is just another opportunity to be reminded of this and definitely something to be very grateful for!  If you think of me this week...or any time in the next 3 weeks, please pray for me that I will not be so caught up in the things that I cannot control- it really is such a waste of my energy and it blinds me to all the wonderful blessings in my life.
Alrighty...that is all I've got for now.  Thanks for listening :)