Back to Reality

Last Sunday, I mustered up all my courage, whispered goodbye to my sleeping baby and headed back to work. I have actually been dreading this day since before I went on maternity leave, knowing that it would come eventually. For the last month or so, I have been mentally counting down the days that I had left, swallowing the bubble that would inevitably develop in my throat, and then try to enjoy the day that I was in instead of worrying about the future. But last Sunday was that day and I had no choice but to face my fears and go. In my attempts to make myself feel better, I tried to figure out just what those fears were in hopes that I might be able to rationalize them or do something to reassure myself. I knew that Oliver would be safe and well cared for and I knew Sean would be fine so those fears were easily squelched. What it came down to for me was that I was afraid that because everything would be so fine, that Oliver would no longer need me. If all his needs were met by Sean, then what did I offer him that he would need me for? I also was afraid that I would walk into work and be given a load of complicated patients and then realize that I had totally forgotten how to be a nurse. I worried that my mind would be so full of thoughts about Oliver that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else...especially since I hadn't had a full night of sleep in 3 months. The funny thing is that while one part of my brain was feeding me these terrible thoughts, there was a part of me that was confident that I would be fine. It was 12 hours, not forever, and I would be home before Oliver went to bed that night. I knew that once I got back on the floor that just like they say about riding a bike, it would all come back to me.

I also was convicted that fear is not from God and also that not only would He be with me at work, He knew how I felt. I kept hearing Him say "trust me"and I realized (for the billionth time) how much easier it is to trust the Lord when everything seems to be as I would like, but really trusting God meant trusting Him ALL the time, including now. The night before I went to work, I felt at peace about leaving the next day and I was able to enjoy my time with Oliver.

As I walked from my car to the hospital, it was almost as if this whole experience of having a baby and becoming a mom had never happened. Nothing else had changed, only me. Here I am back at work, walking back into the same door I always do, wearing my scrubs and carrying my lunch bag and my coffee as usual- very strange. There was only one major change: I found myself thinking along two tracks now, one about work and how I was going to organize my day and my patients and a new track... my Mommy Track. I found myself thinking of Oliver and what he might be doing (or should be doing) at about this time, what he might be wearing and what he smells like and I could hear in my mind all his little sounds. My mind is always running but I have never experienced the clarity I had on both of these 2 tracks at the same time. Typically I will have a main train of thought that gets interrupted or distracted by many others but this was very different- like a new part of my brain has just been turned on. I guess that is what happens when you become a mom....and although it may fade, I think that it might be like that forever.

Emotionally I was doing pretty good but when the elevator doors were about to open onto the 14th floor (my unit) my stomach turned and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. Here I go, I told myself, my new life as a working mom. Of course the people I work with are wonderful and it was fabulous to see all their familiar faces again. But when the first person asked me about the baby, I immediately burst into tears. I let myself cry for a few minutes but my day at work starts out fast so there isn't time to waste- which was probably a good thing. The day went well and I didn't forget how to do my job. I remembered all the reasons that I love to be a nurse and I felt, once again, so close to God because it is only through Him that I find the strength, compassion and joy to do this work.

At the end of the day, I could not wait to get home. I had that bubble of giddyness in my throat and I drove so fast that the only reason I didn't get pulled over was because nobody official saw me. I pulled up to my beloved home and saw my husband and my son sitting on the bench in front of the house....both of them tired but happy. Sean and I shared a kiss of success for making it through the day and then I looked at my baby, hoping for some recognition from him. As soon as he saw me he lit up with joy FOR ME!! He did miss me and he did notice I was gone!! Hooray! I swooped him up in my armsand let me tell you- it was so incredible to hug him again. (let me remind you I had not been away from him for more than a few hours of his entire life and now I was back after 14 hours) The best part was that he seemed to be just as interested in looking at me as I did at him. We sat down on the couch to nurse and he started talking to me and laughing at me and patting my face with his hands. It was almost like he was telling me all about his day and how happy he was that I was home again. It was one of my most precious moments with him so far. I nursed him for only a few minutes before he was totally out for the night and then Sean and I got to have a quiet and peaceful evening sharing our stories of the day. Sean had barbequed some chicken and made a delicious salad, the house was clean and a load of laundry had been done. He had obviously done well during the day and said that only the last hour or so was hard.
So, this is our new life I guess. It is so hard and I am so tired but I am trying to be thankful that I even have a job. I don't know how long we will have to go on like this but we will make it and in the grand scheme of things, we have very little to complain about and very much to be thankful for. Thank you God for all the blessings that you have given to me and to my little family!